KODOKU - 孤独

Where presuambly thoughtful writings go.

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4/11/2023 - to go with the media log post dated today

I could watch that all day. I feel at peace with that video playing. The mood is perfect. It's really good. The music. The seal. The way it looks. The sound. Everything is just right for those 30 seconds.

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4/7/2023

A couple weeks ago I scheduled myself for therapy. I don't know how it will go so I have no real comment to make other than that. I haven't done therapy since 2012 and it was a waste in all ways looking back on it, but that was very different from now so it doesn't have much bearing on this time. The other thing on my mind is that I have not done taxes yet. I said I'd do them tomorrow, but that was yesterday during the day, most of which I slept away. It's 2:24am now.

I wanted to write again but I had nothing to say. I've been doing nothing much lately besides keeping myself busy with distractions. But I haven't been here in over a week so I feel like I've abandoned it. I want to keep up with this site. At least the blog. I'm not really using the other spots. I more just made them because I wanted to fill in space and stay busy.
I feel trapped lately. I don't know what by, but I feel stifled and limited. ACtually I do know why. The person I live with. My girlfriend. I still feel weird saying that because the most I feel towards this person is obligation and I dislike so much about them. I don't want to talk about it here right now beyond that. There's too much to unpack with that topic for me to put it here right now.

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3/26/2023 - it's hard to be honest / more on imagination

I try to be honest here but I don't think I am good with my words and it is hard to unmask even when writing. Sometimes I feel like I know myself very well and then I read it again later and think maybe that's not quite right. I know when I am being truthful in the moment because my feelings about things in the moment are the most honest ones. It's when I start thinking more that I start straying from my honest feelings and thoughts. I have an example.
When people want to spend time with me I dislike it. I only like when I want to spend time with them. I hate others approaching me. But this isn't something I can share with people because it's entirely rude and and self serving. So when people want to spend time with me my initial reaction is dislike. I have to come up with reasons to not spend time with them or compromise with myself and spend time with them to keep up the friendship. Later if I think about this or write about it I will not word it the way I just did. I'll pass over it in one sentence perhaps, very quickly covering it. So when I re-read what I said about that situation it feels wrong, because I left out details or brought up the feeling of compromise but not the feeling of dislike.

Another example is me trying to explain what I mean when I talk about my imagination. I just say "it's active" or something like that. I think I said a few times I have an active imagination. I might have also said it's detailed, I don't recall. I want to clarify this topic while I am trying to be clear.
My imagination just goes, and I make no attempt to control it. In the case of media I consistently pause videos or stop reading to imagine the situation from my own point of view or as if I was part of it. In the case of real life stories I do the same. In both these situations I will often go beyond the immediate situation and just make up more story in my head. If I don't do that I'll just replay the same thing over and over in my head. Slightly tweaking it each time or maybe just practicing something.
This is where my skit ideas come from. Comedic ones I'll put on silly voices for and say to friends in a voice call. It starts with hearing or reading something. Then I just go with it in my head and it morphs over time until I'm satisfied and lock it in. Music is big for me in this. It's hard to imagine listening to music and NOT thinking about storylines, scenes, or skit ideas. If I'm not doing that then I'm probably thinking about blog ideas or something.
I can spend hours laying in bed imagining stuff. I also tend to wake up at night and fall back asleep which gives me really weird dreams I can remember. When I wake up in the morning and can't go back to sleep I usually lay in bed half dreaming half awake. It's like I'm in a dream but I am physically aware I am laying in bed still. I think that's everything I wanted to say for now. I hope it all gets across through writing well.

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3/23/2023

I got my passport today at last. Two and a half years later than when I was first asked to by my parents. My waiting paid off because I got to do it online instead of having to go in person or getting a photo and mailing it in. Otherwise nothing new has really happened.
I'm not sure what I wanted to write about today anymore. I was wondering earlier about what it would feel like to have eyes all over your body. I saw a drawing on twitter of a person covered in eyes. Sometimes it's shitty enough having two eyes, being covered in them sounds painful.

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3/10/2025

When I was young I would read a book and see myself inside it. I would watch a movie and see myself inside it. I would play a game and see myself inside it. I always imagined what I would do in these places, under these circumstances, alongside these characters, inside these stories. I would tell people in the future I wanted to be an inventor so I could invent Pokemon robots, because I knew that real Pokemon was an unrealistic goal. Either that or I would say I don't know. I spent a lot of time wrapped up in stories and themes that maybe I didn't always grasp but I could feel something from. My mind was filled with the ideas about life that I subjected into my expectations of reality. There would be romance, true friendships, conversations that mattered. I thought other people thought the same. I thought that things would just work out as long as I didn't stop moving forward. I had dreams of doing big things and saw helping others and making the world a better place as noble goals.

I thought life was supposed to be important.

Over the course of my teens those expectations broke down. Almost no one does anything important. Everything feels fake. People ignore each other, or worse harm each other. Friendships are shallow. Conversations are mostly about useless crap. That is real life. I used to feel like I was tricked into thinking that life would be so good. The reason people write stories the way they do is because it lets them imagine a better place, where things matter, people matter, and major problems are solved. The goal of these stories is to let the author and their readers, viewers, players, escape from reality. Big "duh" moment in hindsight, but I became enthralled by these things at a young age and it took until puberty for a crack to appear in that view on life. I've always been a bit naive and gullible because I take things at face value.
This probably sounds very dull and depressing, so I am switching gears from the past to the present. I think I've mostly figured myself out now after 32 years of life. I think the last 2 years have been especially insightful for multiple reasons.

I don't want love or romance. I have no sexual interests outside of fantasy. I used to think I was missing out on things, but after getting close to people a few times and eventually thinking hard on how I truly feel about this stuff I no longer feel that way at all. I get what love means to other people and I can say for certain I don't feel that for anyone. My friendships are based on a mix of mutual interests, masking, and the part of me that simply goes with the flow. My friends in real life are practically strangers to me and I feel barely anything for most of them as their lives move in drastically different directions from mine. The last 3 years I have seen them 3 times, all just because my life becomes more annoying if I don't do it. We don't have much in common anymore, so I no longer care about them. As with most things, the online version of this is more extreme. I've made friends with people I would talk to daily over games or communities only for them to become people I never even think about within a short time span once I lose a reason to spend time with or talk to them.
Even my family is the same. When grandpa died I was maybe 11 years old? I haven't ever missed him. I never felt compelled to see my grandma, and I haven't ever missed her either. Sometimes I miss the change of pace that was going to her home, but then memories of boredom come in and it feels more mixed. I've had times where I consider my siblings as almost strangers when I heard of the things they had done. The most common feelinsg I have with my nephews are frustration and contempt. It's the same feelings I have for every child I've ever spent time with. I've spent many hours thinking about how I feel about my parents. I usually like talking to them and hearing what they have to say, though lately with my patienec for people so thin I find myself skipping weeks and not staying as long. I used to think I cared a lot about them because I dedicated a large chunk of my life to trying to be successful for what I thought was their sake as well as my own. I mistook that for caring about what they thought and not wanting to disappoint them or hurt them.
With my life settled down for over 6 years and a lot of weekly dinners at my parents I realize that what I was feeling was obligation. That I owed them the peace of mind over their son in exchange for them raising me. Even now I feel it at times. I looked at how many lies I tell them so easily to keep our relationship stable, because what's always most important to me is keeping my life stable. Just like going out drinking with my friends once a year. Just like going to weddings for family and friends. Just like seeing anyone at all whom I feel I owe a social debt too. I treat my family, my friends, and my acquaintances almost exactly the same, but at differing levels of care based on how much I need to to keep my life stable.

I'm going to continue this in ramblings. It will be marked by the date.

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3/5/2025

If you skip breakfast enough you stop feeling hungry. But I ate breakfast a few times recently so now I get hungry in the afternoon if I don't eat. It's very annoying, I preferred when I ate dinner and then a snack later on rather than needing to eat 3 or 4 times a day to feel full. I hate stopping what I am doing to go eat. It's a pain. When I am completely on my own I often only eat once I realize I am getting cold and shaky. I just get absorbed into stuff and prefer not to eat. Tonight I made spaghetti. Twice. Because the first time I only made enough for one.

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3/4/2025 - two for one

I've been wrapped up in SKyrim lately having a fun time gaming. I sold some stocks in my IRA as if it means anything, I barely check that stuff anymore. I should have blogged earlier but I kept forgetting what I wanted to write about once I got out of bed. I wrote them down last night though.
I wanted to write about my relationship to buying things. I am generally frugal and don't spend much excess money, but for a year or two I think that wasn't true at all. I was influenced by my girlfriend and ended up spending more than I wanted to on tech. Getting into Virtual Reality as a hobby also made me overspend even before that. Sometimes I recall a time in 2015 when I was in the car with my mom and she was questioning a big purchase of mine, a PS4. I told her it was the last big thing I wanted to get myself and I still had plenty of money saved. Looking back at the time, yes it was the last big thing I wanted to buy. But now I know that eventually something else appears and there is a new lsat big thing I want to buy. First it was a VR headset. Then it was computer upgrades. Then there are certain games I buy at full price instead of waiting, or games I buy and never play at all. I paid for half of a PS5 I've played for maybe 2 hours tops. I've spent a lot of money wastefully, which is fairly normal I think but I dislike it nonetheless.
I think I've finally gone beyond that time. Besides the fact that I quit my job an have no income I think I am finally mature enough to realize that buying things doesn't make me happy. Whenever I want something I decide to buy it later if I still want it. Lo and behold, I never want the thing days later and often forget all about it. Even things I want I now tend to look more at the downsides because I'm a picky person and often the downsides of things can outweigh the upsides. A single pickle makes half my burger taste disgusting for example, even after it's been taken off. All this to say, I think I am one large step closer to being able to say I am not consumerist anymore.

The other topic I wanted to write about was the fuzzy feeling you get inside after a good day of working. It's something my dad brought up once and I've seen referenced in media. When I was saying I was bored and dislike work my dad brought this up, asking me if I get that good feeling after I do my job well all day and get everything done. The way he asked it was as if it was a counterbalance, as if that feeeling is supposed to make it all worthwhile in the end. I want to be truthful but the truth would cause issues so I settled for telling him partially what he wanted to hear. I told him sometimes I get that feeling, but not every time.
I have felt that feeling exactly two times that I can recall and neither was at work. One was when I finished the front page of this website. The other was when I finished a personal 3D modelling project in Blender. I've worked for a decade of my life, I worked for 2 of my years in highschool even, and not once have I felt anything but negative or neutral feelings while at a job. It was similar in school. I was told I should be proud of doing well and that it's important, but I never felt that way. I coasted off a talent for schoolwork and like many other people in the same situation I didn't adapt to the challenges and coasting went from an A/B strategy to a C strategy by the end of highschool. I understood why people called this a problem, but I can't say that I cared. It's hard to put into words how I felt about school overall. I didn't hate learning, though I was never a fan of going. I think it relates to one of my biggest issues now as an adult - I hate doing things outside of when I decide to do them and I hate doing things on a whim. An example would be dinner. I like to know ahead of time when my girlfriend would like us to start dinner, but due to her own issues with time management we often miss a 'usual' time. What would normally be something I am okay with is now something I hate and I am frustrated the entire time. I always want to know ahead of time what I am going to be doing so I can be mentally prepared for it. Being interrupted in the middle of something always leaves me in a bad mood.

I am tired of writing now after being interupted and distracted so I'm going to stop. I hope I got my points across.

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2/27/2025

In 7th grade I did a project in school for my social studies class. Everyone had to make a little vehicle of some kind that represented us and had decorations. Back then my mom always helped us with school projects, especially artsy ones. I told her I wanted to make a hot air balloon because I just go with the flow and wherever the wind blows. She told me that I should make a blimp because blimps are kind of like hot air balloons but they control where they go and I'm more like that than I am a hot air balloon. I just said sure and we did the blimp. The irony of that situation didn't hit me until I was older. I'm definitely a hot air balloon. I don't do much without being pushed. I pretended to be a blimp for a very long time but I'm done with that and I feel better about it.

I had other thoughts last night and some more this morning, but they are gone now. I think I wanted to say more on this story too but I can't remember now.

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2/25/2025

I didn't sleep last night because I was up making the site. I am still making it and I'm tired. I joined someone in VRChat and ended up falling asleep briefly despite the coffee. I enjoyed the nap. I got up afterward and came back here to write this blog post, which is where I left off when I was pulled away. I intend to finish the blog today but we'll see. It may have to wait until tomorrow. I'm debating if I should write daily here or leave this for when I specifically have something to journal, while leaving lesser thoughts in the ramblings section of the site.

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