KODOKU - 孤独

This is where I write when I don't want to think

This page goes down as I write. Not much editing, chronological order down down down

I always think of things in the shower, or at work, or in the car, or laying in bed, or in other situations where I can't remember them later. they will come back to me when I am in those situations again, but I can't ever think of them when I'm at my PC or have my phone in hand.

monospace fonts are beautiful I could almost cry

3/10/2025 - continuation of the blog

I'm tired of writing thoughtfully. I've been here for just over an hour now writing the blog post and it kind of warped and devolved over time I think. I don't think I said everything I want to say though so I'm here at rambling to ramble more. Maybe I just want to type as well. Writing feels good.
It's 2:29am. I like to say the exact time. It makes me feel good to say the exact time. When I was a kid my mom would ask "What time did you wake up?" and I would say 4:37am or something like that. One time she commented on it laughing, saying something that made me think it was very unusual to say the exact time. So I started rounding up to quarter hours even though I hated it. This habit persisted until my mid 20s when I started working properly full time. When you work an hourly job you measure your days differently. Everything becomes sliced into hours. Those hours are sliced into 15 or 30 minute increments oftentimes as well. Things take X amount of time to get done. But break times and start times always need precise answers. When someone asks how close it is to break time you don't say 5 minutes when it's 2 or 3. You say the exact number of minutes. I started liking looking at the time again because I could finally look at it and see it without rounding it. Some people still liked to round it though and sometimes I still feel weird saying the exact time. It's now 2:34am and 58 seconds is how I say the time in my head.
I think I am in a very poor mental state and I need to escape my current life. I'm so tired of everything. I want to become a stone.

I grew up in a country where children looking adults in the eyes was seen as defiant and asking for punishment. Moving to the USA I was expected to look people in the eye when they spoke to me, which was annoying. I should have just told them that, but I was not that kind of person.

Breaking patterns is hard. I am a creature of habit. I found it hard to eat an apple the other day, but now I want to keep buying more. A bit annoying.